介紹團員

bassistwei的爵士天地看到的笑話
有些寫的真的太好笑也太貼切拉

用我憋腳的英文翻一下
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Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the members of tonight's band.

各位來賓,我來介紹本團團員
(Anybody we know?)
On piano____________. But first a few words about pianists in general, they are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

首先是 我們的鋼琴手__________
鋼琴手通常很聰明,無所不知
他們在大學時研究樂理,和聲,編曲,
. Most are riddled with self-doubt.
所以通常都是禿頭.
他們應該有雙大手但卻不然
他們像青少年班被社會拋棄
表演完他們都回家玩模型玩具
鋼琴手對於歌手又愛又恨.
如果休息時間跟他聊天,
他們會露出降尊屈就的態度

On bass we have _____________. Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

On drums____________. Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.

On saxophone_____________. Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Sax,_____________
我們saxophone手認為他們是台上最重要的角色
所以他們個性倔強,且有地域性
他們熟知Coltran跟Bird的樂句,
但是卻有自己特殊的聲音----那就是把Coltran跟Bird的樂句混合
他們喜歡超常的solo,吹到最高音仍然不會停
他們在其他人表演時自以為安靜的練習,其實大家都明顯地聽的到
他們非常著迷,跟樂器睡在一起....甚至忘記洗澡,一身髒
如果休息時間跟他聊天,
他們會跟你說一堆簧片相關的藉口跟抱怨

On trumpet_______________. Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless god of loud-high trumpeting.

On guitar_________________. Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.
我們的吉他手_____________
爵士吉他手通常不快樂
內心深處他們幻想是個搖滾巨星
卻太老了體重又超重
他們把頭髮留長,到處找尋粉絲,
不斷喝酒,amp總是太大聲,以發洩心中不滿
他們討厭鋼琴手
因為他們可以一次押10個音
所以吉他手只能不斷彈快,彌補這個缺憾
酒喝的越多,他amp開越大聲
然後鼓跟小號手也一起更大聲
之後saxophonist就崩潰了
因為他變成不是台上最重要的角色
然後就收起樂器跟簧片,氣的奪門而出
鋼琴手會在旁邊忍著偷笑
如果休息時間跟吉他手聊天,
他會問一些很隱密的問題
----關於你的14歲小妹
Our feature vocalist is the lovely _____________. Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as '...jazzy.'Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns 'My Funny Valentine,' 'Summertime,' and 'Route 66.' Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a bre ak, she will introduce you to her 'manager.'

On trombone___________________. The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. 'Listen,' it seems to say in the male tenor range, 'Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?' Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

來源
http://www.wretch.cc/blog/bassistwei/11733754